Grief- Asking Why

I haven't written about Shannon in a while.. I'm actually in bed right now.. Everyone else is snoozing away.. Baby Micah included. I should be taking advantage of this and sleeping too, but Shannon is on my mind. I haven't written much about her lately on my blog. A part of me avoids it.. Because writing down your thoughts makes you THINK about it even more.. And plenty of days I don't want to. I'm still struggling with thinking only about the way I lost her.. Rather than the time I had with her. I feel like the horrific details of her murder overshadow my thoughts of her.. I desperately wish that would pass. The shooting in CT stirred up emotions in me that I think many of us felt. It took me a while to want to talk about it....to tell my husband how I felt. How it reminded me of Shannon.. The horrible act of violence that shook my world... Was shaking the worlds of these poor families... Even more so with it their own child! I can't imagine. I couldn't help but ask the same question in my head about this tragedy that I did with shanon...... Why?...... Why a school?? Why little kids?? Why at all??..... I ask myself those questions with Shannon too. Why did he do it?? Why did he shoot her again when she was on the ground?? Why did he throw her in the back of his truck?? why did he drive to his house and not the hospital?? Or call 911?? I ask these questions in my head often even though I know that no explanation will do anything. It won't console me or bring her back. It won't help make sense of it. No explanation can. But I suppose this is just part of grieving.... I'm praying for peace for not only me and shannons family and friends now .. But those families in CT. And for anyone affected by acts of violence. I wish there wasn't such evil in the world. I am thankful to have beautiful examples of joy and love and purity of heart in my little ones.. They lift me up and remind me of the good in our world.

Phases of grief?

I consider myself a strong woman..but strength has nothing to do with this.
The sadness of losing Shannon is always there...
like it's waiting for a moment of quiet to be suddenly heavy on my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too busy to even breathe!
I'm juggling babies and house and work and relationships.
I can't remember the last time I actually slept straight through the night..
or ate without some little cutie sneaking from my plate or trying to climb into my lap like something sooo exciting is going on that they musttt be a part of it.... ;)
So when I do have time to pray or to reflect on this loss..it can be overwhelming.

This is my first experience with grief..
I feel waves of sadness and then waves of anger and then waves of
OH my GOSH how did this happen..
The other day, during Christmas time, it was especially hard. I was so angry..upset over the memories I wasn't going to be able to make with Shannon here on earth. Her wedding.. our kids playing together..being old ladies together haha..even if we were states away!
And even though I pray every night for 'his' conversion...that day my heart just felt...angry.
And then I would think of her babies..without her. and it breaks my heart.
I want to not be angry. I want to think about the fun and special memories instead of her tragic death.
Jesus, please take away my anger. Help all of us who are missing her to heal..and to trust.
I know there will be tougher days than others..but you are a faithful God.
Shannon, shower us with blessings from above.
I know you are doing things up there more powerful then you could do here..
I'm sure you are up there praying for all the women you see here who are experiencing
what you went through...being an angel to each of them..

I remember the time we all got together over Christmas break and went to Centennial Park in Downtown Atlanta. We loved it there. We went ice skating..and just goofed off.

I'm so glad we brought a video camera so we could always remember that time.

I really was so lucky in my high school years to be surrounded by such awesome friends.

We were "good kids"...and occasionaly got into trouble..(barely. in all honesty.)

I hope that my girls one day have friends like I did growing up..

friends that were kind, uplifting, authentic, loyal and into their faith!!

friends who LOVED LIFE.

I want to remember her like this.
(I made this video as a Christmas present to my friends back in 2003.)

For any of you grieving over a loss..my heart is with you.

And even though as busy women we can sometimes

not have a chance to work through it then it

hits us all of a sudden....know that you are not alone.

Thank you for following along with me in this process of healing..

I'm lucky to have such a wonderful husband helping me through this. I pray that everyone missing her has someone like I do to lean on in hard moments. I also have my sweet girls.

The beautiful faith of a child always amazes me and opens my eyes to trust more.

The other day we were looking out the window at the sunset..sophia goes "mommy heaven is there! God and Mary and the angels are there! Baby Jesus was born..we have to be quiet!" She didn't realize what she was saying was what I needed to hear..even if it wasn't in the same context as she meant. But I took it as yes.. Baby Jesus was born.....we have to be quiet(still..) and trust.

To read all posts related to Shannon you can click here.
Please share her story..donate if you can.

If you have been touched by her story and would like to 

visit her Memorial Page you can visit here. 

Please Pray for peace in our world 

and for all those affected by Domestic Violence.

Grieving during the Holidays

This was the first Thanksgiving since we lost Shannon.

I had a conversation with my mom about grief..

I always felt sadness when I would hear a sad story...

or news of someone I know losing someone they love.. 

But now that I have felt grief like this first hand, I feel so much deeper for anyone else grieving.

I know the sadness that can sometimes just overwhelm you and how you sometimes can know all the positive aspects to look at the situation..but still just need a moment to..be sad.

The positives in Shannon's ....she is in heaven..she is safe.. her babies are safe..her story has already encouraged and motivated other women to leave the abuse and protect themselves..help women realize their value and how deserving they are of real love.

I know all this...but sometimes...it's hard to focus on that.

Halloween was a little bitter sweet for me too.. I had so many awesome moments with my girls..and I would think how my friend Shannon isn't getting to do this right now with her kids.

I know her family is probably having hard moments this week.

The empty seat at the table.

I missed her.. and felt sad for those
who are also missing her.

My prayer is that each of them, and each of you,

who are grieving over the loss of someone you love,

would feel peace and comfort. 

On the drive home to Pittsburgh,
as the girls slept, I was texting a friend of mine,
Tricia, who was also close with Shannon, (photographed below)

(She is the little sister of Anna of IHOD. love her too!)

I told her how I had been thinking of Shannon a lot that night and it made me

not want to take friendships for granted! I was thankful for the memories

and fun times we had had together..and even though we are states away..

and both busy with babies..I wanted to connect.

The loss of Shannon has helped me to realize how precious life is..

to take advantage of the moments we are given..

This Thanksgiving I was extra thankful
for the moments with my family..

conversations with friends..and even thankful
for the cross that I have been given.

I feel like the sadness of losing shannon has made my heart bigger, growing painfully, it opened my eyes more to the sadness that other people go through (empathy I guess..)

and even though some moments I feel overwhelmed with the loss, I try to focus on how thankful I am to have had Shannon in my life the years that I did.

I'm thankful for our silly moments together, our deep conversations,

our growing in faith together, our adventures of driving and getting lost in atlanta,

I use a hair product right now..that I used back in high school.

It's funny how smells can bring you right back..and I was using it one day

and remembered getting ready together in her bathroom.. :)

We ate somewhere the other day and I remembered always going there with her back in Atlanta.. Those moments I love. just remembering is healing me.

I pray for healing for all of you as well..

in whatever situation you might be in with losing someone.


These are photos from a Break during College. 
Tricia, Shannon and I decided to punk our friend
Ben who worked the late shift at Target as a Security Guard.....
That was a fun/funny night. :)

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving..

We spent Thanksgiving at my Grandparents' house and Cousins'..

My Parents and little brother and his new wife came up too!

It was so nice being all together..letting the little kids play..I'll share photos of all the fun on monday.. but today I had something else on my heart.

And I know I'm not the only one going through this during the Holidays. :)



To read all posts related to Shannon you can click here.
Please share her story..donate if you can.
If you have been touched by her story and would like to 
visit her Memorial Page you can visit here.