I almost didn't share this..
Because a part of me thinks that this might be too personal..or in your face religious..
but in a conversation with my mom...I was told "It's your blog!" and she's right..
so....here it goes. I'm known to ramble..so hopefully this makes sense.
In a way it's a lot easier to talk about parties and recipes than to go deep..
but if this is going to be a blog about me..than religion has to be in it.
because my Catholic faith is a big part of me.
Most of you who follow my blog..
know the struggles I'm going through right now.
I am so blessed in life..but a part of me is broken because
She was murdered.
by the estranged father of her children.
during a custody exchange.
brutally and maliciously murdered.
Sometimes in my mind I have flashes of the occurrence of events go by.
it's like a horror movie. And I flinch and shake my head.
I find myself doing it without even thinking.
Like as if shaking my head would make it go away.
Or make me forget or stop thinking about it faster.
Writing this right now I'm almost in tears. I have a knot in my stomach.
I would much rather be working up the few remaining printable orders...
or planning my cookie exchange party..or doing that logo design for my dad..
but I wanted to take 5 minutes out..to share this.
Because who knows..maybe you are going through something like this too..
or know someone who is.
I just got home from retreat with my husband and his youth group kids.
AWESOME kids. all on an amazing journey in their faith and their relationship with God.
It's amazing seeing them going deep and putting themselves
out there to learn more..to be vulnerable and be silent..to pray.
I led one of the small groups on saturday night..and we talked about Silence.
Silence is a hard thing. it gives you a moment to think about things you don't always want to think about.. to remember things you don't always want to remember.
But it can be very powerful. It's pertinent to your relationship with God. if you don't pray..
how can you know Him? how can you expect to hear Him if you aren't trying to listen?
I pray..but not nearly enough. And lately...praying is hard for me..because it requires silence.. that 1....is hard to come by. and 2. gives me time to think...think about my brokenness.
On saturday night of retreat...we have Adoration.
As Catholics we believe that God is present in the Eucharist.
We adore Him. We sing.. we kneel..we take that time to be with Him..and Him with us.
I love adoration..but not this time.. I didn't want to "feel" if that makes sense.
I wanted to just focus on the kids and their problems or struggles or intentions..
But no one needed me that night...everyone was focused on Him..praying..
and I was in the back..kneeling with my hands open..
And even though I didn't want to...I was drawn to talk to Him.
He was right there!! I felt Him Present.
I've never had an experience where I could say..
"I was praying and I heard God tell me...__fill in the blank__"
I have faith..so I know He hears me. Even Mother Teresa had many many years of "Darkness"..where she did not feel Him present in Prayer.
I still pray..But this night..was different... I just kept telling Him over and over........
I don't understand. I don't understand. Please heal my heart. I don't understand.
(ah cry baby..mascara is running now.)
I am a talker..and sometimes when I'm praying...I'm doing all the talking..
not even giving Him a chance to give His take on things. ;)
I suppose I always felt like..would He really say anything anyways??
I'll just put everything out there to keep this conversation going...
But that was wrong of me.
For the first time..I actually was like ok, Natalie...let's just listen..
because obviously..I don't have it all figured out.
I want to hear what HE has to say..So I was quiet.
And that is easier said than done...but I tried. harder than ever.
I just kept saying over and over speak to me Jesus..speak to me..
and the wierdest thing happened..
I heard nothing.....
but something.
The best way to describe it was how when I put my ear to sienna's door...
to hear if she is wrestling around..if she is waking up or not..
Sometimes I don't hear anything..but I KNOW she is there..
I hear the noisemaker..or the heat kick in...
It's silent..but I KNOW she is present.
THAT....is how I felt during 2 minutes of my prayer that night.
2 MINUTES! maybe even less... but it was Powerful.
I felt like God was realy present..and He heard me...and I heard Him.
Maybe no amazing sign like the sun dancing or a bush catching on fire...
but it was a sign for me.. that He was really there.
and I told Him......
hug shannon for me.
and that was it.
I'm going to keep on listening more..
and setting aside time to pray and not do all the talking.
that's it. that's all I wanted to share.
that's my personal raw religious post for the day..haha.
If you are reading this and wondering how you ended up here when you probably just came to look at party theme ideas or a cookie recipe....thanks for reading anyways. :)
