A new stage of my Grief.. Regret.

I just got sienna to bed.. ben is working on getting sophia down..(snuggle bug.)

I have a few minutes before I need to hustle up and finish some design work for clients..

but I have so much on my heart right now I thought this would be the best way to get it out..

and refocus on what I need to be doing tonight..

I remember when we first lost shannon..I would ask ben..or my mom..

Will I ever not feel "this" way... just so overwhelmed and broken.?

(Ahhh the tears are flowing now. If i just say the word broken I cry. ;)

I feel funny sharing this.. but at the same time I know many of you are going through sufferings of your own.. grieving through your own loses. And maybe you have felt similar....

Last week I felt so sad...because I looked up past conversations on facebook with Shannon... so many of the last ones were short.. they were usually ended quickly with a "ah I have so much to do girl I'll call you later!" or "The girls just woke up I gotta run"......

I know we both had our responsibilities in life.. 

but I was having the hardest time feeling like I wasn't there for her enough. That I didn't make myself available to her enough.. I was one of the few in our high school group of friends who left the state for college..and then I ended up meeting ben there and never going back! We got jobs up here..we bought a house up here..we started having babies! and life was.. busy. And I kept feeling like even though I know I was doing what God wanted of me in my life... I wondered if I had stayed in atlanta if I could have been more present...and stopped her from being killed. It sounds crazy typing it..like so stupid to think about something so pointless..it cannot be changed..........but it weighed so heavy on my heart. And I prayed for peace on this. And strength to just not even go there. But I need to pray more. I have felt stronger this past week though... And I'm trying to remember that God has a plan for each of us......and that all of us wish we could have done something said something to change what happened.......but we can't go back. we can only go forward. 

If you know of someone going through something like Shannon was...

please don't hesitate to say something...

I will always wish I had said more.

Find information on Domestic Violence here.

Call this number if you need help..1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

I'm healing..but will never be the same. 

I think of shannon every day. and almost every night while I walk sienna around in her room to sleep..
thinking of her  2 beautiful babies who lost their mommy. praying for them.
I hold my daughters a little bit tighter these days, wanting to get everything out every last moment with them..

Losing shannon I have become very aware of how precious the time we are given is..and how we should use it wisely. Not that we should be filled with anxiety that we could be gone any second....but when we are in the moments with friends and family, to soak it all in.. to invest in relationships.. to work hard, play hard and most importantly pray hard. This month I am going on retreat for the weekend.. and I'm so looking forward to it. I almost didn't go because I felt bad about leaving the girls.. but ben was like no you are going. I needed that push. sometimes it's hard to make that choice on your own.. but I know it's going to help me to be a better mom. to focus on healing.. and my relationship with God. How can I help my girls and husband get to heaven if I'm not working at getting myself there too!

via

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HELP bring awareness to this issue.. You could save a life.

And save children from losing a beautiful mother..

To read all posts related to Shannon you can click here.

Please share her story..donate if you can.

If you have been touched by her story and would like to 

visit her Memorial Page you can visit here. 

Please Pray for peace in our world 

and for all those affected by Domestic Violence.